Chic Moment

Been thinking a lot about the simple pursuit of happiness. Wouldn't it be a pretty good idea to establish what that happiness should look like before chasing it? Lately, the unsettled nature of my life has been disheartening.  These gypsy feet do grow weary.  What do I for sure want? Marriage; yes. Kids; forever indifferent. Steady friends & family around; Yup! Couldn't I get that anywhere?? So why can't I pick any anywhere and stay there!!?? What is keeping me restless??!! To make things worse, I keep looking back lately on people who I pegged were phases who keep randomly popping into my head space. Get out of my head space and into my personal space!! HELLO!! Don't just text me on Christmas! After 3 weeks of silence, I'm not going to delude myself into thinking that Mr. Bad Timing would be thinking of me on Christmas. Come on...probably Mr. Amazing Personality was post dinner belly bulge and probably so bored out of mind that the cell came out and was simply scrolled through with mass texts sent.  Well thank you so much, Mr. Highly Unlikely for messing with my psyche :) 

Cosmos Warning

"Your December Monthly Forecast: What's missing? What are you short of? Or have you just convinced yourself that life would be better if only you had something else? You need to establish the answer quickly because soon you may well have your wish granted. It may then prove difficult to return the gift that the cosmos has given you. Furthermore, nature abhors a vacuum. For as long as there is a gap in your life, there is a chance it can be filled. But once you put something in that place, you no longer have a space. It may be better, in December, to accept an absence than to force a presence."

Yep...that's my horoscope for December.  It does hit home rather intensely. Oh, damn this unsettled soul!! What AM I looking for?? I'm just wandering around aimlessly here in TEXAS!! Ahahaha Guess I need to stop looking before the cosmos take revenge on me. 

Anyone have any good ideas for what I should do to fill my December?? My search for the missing element has officially been put on hold. 

Of Course!!

Spontaneity may not be the most practical way to live a life but damn it, it keeps me going. My day-to-day is completely based off the "fly by the seat of your pants" philosophy.  Most of the time, it's a whimsical and minimally disappointing way to get through the muck of society.  HOWEVER, I am not one with nature today!! Where is Buddha when you need him?? Where's that damn tree he parks under??? 


No, no...let me just let you know.  I just had to work 10 days through my birthday, my gift from Mom was literally burned as a part of trash on accident, couldn't check my mail b/c I realized I don't know my mailbox number (figured it was my apt #...nope), can't hire the personal trainer  (the bday gift I was giving myself) I have an appointment with now because my tires were so freaking expensive, my tires were sold @ discount price to get the sale but were still $775, thought I'd give myself a deluxe mani/pedi today instead for my bday wherein the employee was putting so much pressure & pain on my nails that I just got up and left with crazy crappy looking hands, thought I'd try one last time to celebrate my bday and went to a target SUPERSTORE to find something ANYTHING to make me happy and came out with new exercise clothes....so I tortured myself @ the gym for an hour & half.  And lastly, I FINALLY met some cool neighbors who have an awesome puppy for my puppy to play with @ the dog park that is in my apt complex and I'm leaving in 2 weeks due to my borderline psychotic boss. 


BUDDHA MAN!!!  What tree are you under!! 

That Would Be Me

In reminiscing hilarious geriatric events with a friend, my laughter was suddenly brought to a halt as a comment turned into a vision about my future geriatric self.  June, a lady from a past era, was the epitome of my future self.  

JUNE....hehehehe...

I'll be the one instigating trouble and fighting among the others

because I love a cheap thrill

I'll be the one making faces as the nurses walk away

because I really don't know anything

I'll be the one that says "huh?" repeatedly like I can't hear you

when really I've always thought that was funny

I'll be the one clinging to my wheelchair arm rests  in resistance  to you physical therapists tryin' to make me move!!! 

but you would have seen me do the same in a canoe.

Have you ever wondered what you'll look like as an elderly person?

Have you stared at a room full of dementia and said,

"Yep....he/she reminds me of ME."

....and laughed?

Is it still funny now?? 

JUNE

Hakuna Matata

Ya ever have one of those days where...the indifference in you is almost tangible?? I'm absolutely in travel assignment hell.  The goals I keep setting for myself are getting squished out because of surrounding circumstances leaving me with unfinished business.  The morbidly psychotic diva I work for absolutely questioned every ounce of integrity I have as a speech therapist.  HELLO!! I work with the geriatric population because I FUCKIN' LOVE OLD PEOPLE!!! Geezuzz Thankfully, I had already called those who mattered (those who actually pay me) so the shit hitting the fan today was a surprise to no one and that shit eating grin (which probably has happened since she eats foods handled by patient's hands) didn't make a dent in my day. Talking about a poster child for MORON.  Besides that, the most amazing figure in my life, MOM, had a breakdown over not being able to fulfill her motherly duty of sending me a bday present d/t unfortunate circumstances.  Her love language is giving gifts in objects or dinners, etc.  She expresses herself in how thoughtful she is about her gifts even though she second guesses every single one she buys.  The fact that she was so hurt over thinking I would be hurt for not getting a gift in the mail for my birthday was so sweet even though she was literally hysterical about it.  This is a woman who probably just lost something in a lost gift that took her a week to work for $$ and it's not the money she's worried about...it's my feelings being hurt over being without a bday present...how can someone who was raised with a woman like that, with passion and love of humanity, be lazy/uneducated/unethical with work?? Mom, if you ever read this, I do love you with all of my being....I want to be like you and have the capacity to love the way that you do; without boundaries.  Don't worry about that gift. 

Operation "Nobody Likes a Fatty"

Even now I cringe at thinking about those words coming from the perky athletic mouth of my ginger acquaintance.  She'd say that all the time referencing herself...I guess as motivation to work out.  But to someone who doesn't work out and has a little junk in the trunk (nah mean!!) it's not a sensitive thing to say.  


Wow...that's probably the most girlie thing I've said all day.   "Be more sensitive!!" For real, LilFoot....don't be such a chick. Ok so anyways,


I just talked to my personal trainer who will be coming by on a regular basis in the weeee a.m. to make sure I do cardio and...stuff?? The conversation was at least interesting. Yes, she's certified/trained/educated in....exercise stuff.  Yes she'll help me meet all my goals and LOSE WEIGHT! Oh yeah and I need to journal for the next 2 weeks about what I eat. I'm deathly afraid she's going to request I slow down on the diet coke. She sounded super sweet and sugar coated the torture I'm about to pay a lot of $$ for. Now don't get me wrong!! I called her and I am excited to be accountable for some workouts because really....my motivation is a downward flaming spiral right now.  


But I don't trust her....she might as well be a man. :) 

Suga Foot

Way ta go, Lady! Found another way to throw yourself out there emotionally again. I'm taking a few miles backwards next weekend to find out one thing only...what's it like to spend time with someone. Truth is...we barely have even seen each other around the whole time I was there and now I'm living 6 miles away.  Truth is...timing is bad and I always believed Fate would help me with these things.  Truth is....I have doubts about whether he'll actually even make an appearance. He hasn't done anything to give me that impression BUT men are notorious for telling me what I want to hear and then being honest AFTER it counted for shit.  Yes, Suga Foot, you are putting yourself out there again with little reason to other than knowing that you will always wonder "what if" should you not go check it out.  "What ifs" are so so evil 

Nincompoop Corner

Isn't it funny how you don't stop loving things you loved as a child? 

Who could afford cable when I was a kid?? LOL Antenna me up, baby! All my t.v. picked up was channel 4, 7, 11 (fuzzy news galore). 

Somehow we ended up with a 1988 VHS marathon recording of the Three Stooges..commercials and all. I watched that damn tape daily for months memorizing every ridiculous song, character, quote, joke, etc. Now as I look back on it, I think maybe I just wanted to feel like I was watching regular t.v. Hehehe 

So the dirty little secret, I LOVE the Stooges!! Call me dorky if you want, but after this many years and supposedly "growing up" I still laugh. Dream date: take me to romantic candlelit dinner, buy me flowers, and cuddle up with me on the couch to watch some Stooges.  Doubt it'll ever happen but I laugh harder when I'm alone. 

Moe, Larry, Curly...ya still got it. 

Memories Haunt Me

"What if's" are truly evil.  They seem to be haunting me. I'm not feeling very grounded lately which forces me to wonder what I'm doing wrong in life. Am I supposed to be a different place in life at my age? I don't necessarily think so for someone else my age but am beginning to feel the pressures of society becoming a more regular occurrence. People who haven't seen me in a while don't ask about my work or my  happiness level with things....only "Are you married yet?" I was demeaned in front of a ton of people last weekend over having standards. Heh ACTUALLY, I was just out dancing and having a good time. I met some guy who was a pretty good dancer so I just went with it without any expectations of giving a shit who he is as a person.  Sometimes a girl just wants to dance and enjoy being herself. 


What happened was...as I was standing outside waiting for my ride to get there AND saying good night to several people I grew up with or have known forever, this JACKASS loudly states "You're going home with me tonight." with which "Negative Ghost Rider" was the reply. I got not 1 chewing out but 2. I was hearing things like, "I know I have 4 kids. I'm paying $1800 a month for them. You shouldn't worry about it, you'll never see em. They ain't @ my house." In trying to sincerely not be rude, I was saying things like,"If I wanted someone with kids, I'd be married to them already. I don't even know who you are. It's not my fault your fertile and/or irresponsible. Live with your choices." The crazy thing was, I think an old friend was paying attention and just gave me a random hug on the way out.  


Given situations like that one, it's easy to see how some things never change. The mentality never changes. Men generally have to be dominant, expect things to come easy, and don't require love to be the priority.  


I was also told recently that it's intimidating to flirt/compliment me b/c I'm a "hot blonde" w/a travel job. That's just not fair. I'm about 6 hours from a man that I think is probably amazing. Annnnnd he's easily intimidated. I don't know what to do but this aimlessly wandering thing is getting old. I've got an old soul that's weary.  What's a hopeless romantic who wants that fairy tale love story to do in a world of sexual innuendos and misguided expectations of women.  Le sigh

Get on With it

The problem with living like a gypsy alone is that sometimes there's nothing but time to think. Within this week's time, I have had many faces; I've carried hurt, sadness, inferiority, insecurity, etc.  It's been rough. I've wondered how I'm going to make it through this job assignment, how I'll ever meet someone worth keeping, how I'll ever meet someone who will keep me, how I can make my family life more positive, how I can grow as a person without having loved ones around me. There's a heavy heart in Austin tonight...I don't know what I'm looking for but I know when I find it.   I need something in my life to happen so badly. 

Nos vemos de nuevo algún día

Another era of my life has faded to make room for the one ahead of me.  I needed you, Odessa, to revive the cold blood that pulsed through me in leaving Chicago.  I needed a sense of community, belonging, affection, and even humor to come back into my life. I not only got that in Odessa but I was able to provide those qualities to others. I was able to begin to love again. I felt a piece of myself come back that had been dormant for so long that I had forgotten what living was like.  There's something freeing in my soul when I know that I loved someone with as much of my heart as I could give and that even though it ended, I was happy in that moment.  I've felt a sense of confidence and independence sweep over me opening me up for new opportunities...dreams.  Thank you Florida, Alaska, and Texas for all that you have given me in the past few months...you woke me up and made me live. 

Now What

As much as this shame spiral has been a blast to BS my way through, at some point, I have to put on my "big girl" panties and pick my ass up off the ground. I'm tired of numbing myself to the reality that I have put myself into.  I want to be real with someone and I need someone to get real with me. Rock bottom actually came last night as I was drunk as ever half awake, half passed out in my bed when I inevitably decided to contact my past and my present at the same time only to receive utter dead end disappointment.  Talking about a text disaster.  Thankfully I was too smashed to get pissed off.  


Wait...is that...SHINEDOWN!!! later peeps...off into musical bliss until sunrise

Feelin' Lucky

More times than I care to admit, I've had the job of looking at someone my own age to deliver bad news. Yeah, should have thought about that before going into a medical career...but hey! I'm just saving the world right?? It's more than humbling to sit across a table at someone who is ill, unable to comprehend what's coming to them, unable to distinguish priorities because they are medically so messed up that one thing doesn't sound better than another.  I looked into eyes today of someone who is only 33 years old. This person has a progressive disease that is impacting every function of their body leaving them losing too much weight too fast, too high of a risk to do needed surgeries on, and with little hope for improvement.  This person will die before I reach that age. She's the age of my cousins...my best friend....not very much older than me.  My heart breaks for her.  


It's not fair. 

Summer Mummers

There's nothing more fulfilling for a traveler than to check out the local dives and learn about the community in which you're temporarily calling home.  An opportunity came about last night that provided me with a personal truth of Texas; they are loyal to the end of the earth. Talking about proud to be something! TEXANS!! Summer Mummers is a local yearly show that's a lot like skits meet improve meets Midland, TX.  They made rivalry, nudity, aging, and sexual preference hilarious.  Towards the end of the entertainment, an announcement was made to honor Texans (emphasis on the high # proportionately of military men/women coming from this gargantuan state)  with, "Texas can survive without the United States, but the states can't survive without Texas." Oh my, TX, you are proud.  Without affirming or negating that statement, I will note that the men here sure are chivalrous and the community here (despite being strangers) have been more welcoming than any other town I've been to in my life.  Odessa and Midland, Texas are bumps in the road on the map/internet/state; however, they are huge in family, community, & personality. This is a town of people I hope to be like in where ever my feet may finally rest.  Lesson learned: never judge a book by its cover.   You never know when it'll change your life forever.  

You Can Bet That, Never Gotta Sweat That

 Dallas, you are the shiz! There's nothing more indulgent for me than to celebrate a best friend's personal achievements through shopping and bar-hopping! After this amazing weekend and inspiration of what I could do with myself should I not worry about other people's mess makes me want to reform my way of life. Personal goals to be achieved prior to Christmas: 
1. Pay off credit card debt (NO it's not a lot!!)
2. Train for 5K
3. Drink less :( (too many calories)
4. Do things for MYSELF before others. 
Yep...the last one is a doozy but get over it.  I'm on one. 


And Dallas, we shall meet again

Operation 5K.

Hi. My name is Tracie and I am the most nonathletic person you'll ever meet.  I once was on a middle school field trip waiting for the "special ed" kid to make it to the top of the rock wall cuz I figured if he/she could, I could. And I did.  I've always been attracted to those who found that sort of drive to be fit.  I don't aim for looking good anymore. That dream flew out the window long ago when my ass decided to make an appearance and get me free drinks.  No, I wanna train for a 5K.  It's a good starting point and the truth is, I NEED A GOAL!! So far, my goal for the last year or so is to work out more.  Well, done and unmotivated.  


My current roomie is a competitive person in marathons/triathlons.  She's got some pretty awesome gear.  She's got some pretty awesome advice too on how to train for such a goal.  I don't care if I'm last just as long as I finish.  And what better way to do this than to train for one that is at home in a few months.  Let me get good and ready and I will make it.  


You can do this, Trac.  Do it! 

Change

I've been faced with a few things lately that really question who I am and what amount of strength may be within.  In this week alone, I've seen confusion to the point of losing senility, the emotional challenge as result of change, mortality, and the effects of association on relationships.  What causes a person to begin to believe utterly false things only to then become so confused that the truth never comes out? What is it about adjusting to the new that makes us sad? How does one grow accustomed to seeing death and dying on a daily basis? It's hard, ya know...to see pain, suffering, and hope for sometimes the impossible on a day-to-day job.  Why do we feel we need to take bullshit from someone "because they are family?" 

I've come to some realization that answers will never come my way and that I am forever destined to be unsettled...to feel like a free bird constantly chasing the bluer skies.  Change...my escape and my enemy all at the same time.  

Mission: Move On

Lemme tell ya a lil somethin', I'm from a dinky little town in central Arkansas. I have been there from birth-24 years old. I had that movie star itch to see what it would be like to live in a big city...chasing love and dreams.  At that point, I moved to Chicago.  In 3-6 months, "love" had gone down in flames so I was left with no choice but to pick my butt up, dust it off, and take it somewhere else. This began my interest in the traveling position.  

When I got to my apartment in Texas, it was decorated in western wonderland decor (i.e. wild horses on pillows, quilts on beds, TX flag plates) which was like a freakin' twilight zone for me.  Ughhhh.  Cowboys? Now these folks are damn proud of their football and guns.  I find it charming actually. The community here is the nicest group of folks I have been around in my life. It makes me want to be a better person, a happier person, a positive person.  

I'd like to think there's no place like home though.  What a thing to say....I have no home.  I don't belong anywhere and for once in 3 years, I'm not saddened by that.  I'll find and make me one.  "Love" can go F**K himself. 

Brain dead

Leave it to me to inappropriately take emotions out of life situations. In my profound shower-time thinking, I realized the whole concept of healing is psychological crap.  Face it, World. You all pay your psychiatrists a ton of money to deal with your past so that you can move on and let it go. It's a huge waste of money. Not to bash psychiatry! I rely on them a lot in my own field to take care of matters that I am not educated in regarding neurological function of the elderly...BUT....truth is that any thought, action, reaction, and emotion is a brain function. It is only the brain firing off in reaction to a situation it perceives in the environment.  That's all.  So when you lose that love, get all kinds of sad, tell people "I'm not ready to date.," and focus on "moving on"....really all that's happening is your brain used to fire in a certain way to make you happy, then unhappy, then it's retraining itself to the new environment (single life).  Eventually, as with all humans, you forget things. The brain naturally forgets as it ages.  Your brain adapts to a new environment and stops using all its energy to fire off sadness.  Now that yo head is in neutral, it can start rethinking that shiny, new and exciting energy it gives off with a new change in environment (new sweetie). Freud knew what he was talking about when it comes to conditioning the brain. You can train yourself (i.e. yo head) to react differently to situations that originally were negatives such as break up scenes and fights w/loved ones. Think about it.  


Damn I love shower-time thinking :) 

Rhythm That's About Me

Today I am bound to no one.  There's no baggage, no brave face, no smiles behind the tears...only me.  My failures, flaws, good and bad sides have all been exposed.   There's no secrets...no shame. I am who I am.  Seether and Shinedown lyrics stare into my soul.  In times of vulnerability, I have no wall to hide behind.  I am me.  If you can't take it, leave it.  

Bridges Burned

I was raised to love everyone and to treat everyone as I would want to be treated.  Sometimes, that's a real struggle for me.  I've definitely hurt some people that I love dearly over dumb things.  There's also been quite a few moments where I instantly decided someone was not worth knowing thereby closing any window of opportunity of something great to occur.  This week has been a challenge because I felt an inevitable gravity to reach out to someone that I did hurt.  I handled a situation wrongly a year ago...pushed a few buttons that I knew were powerful ones (which to be honest I had never pushed in saving it for ammo.) I did those things to make a harsh, very real point to someone who couldn't be talked to or rationalized with; someone who can't have an introspective point of view to own up to a flaw let alone flaws plural. And the disappointing result was that the point was not made: this person made herself a victim. "Why do people ALWAYS do this to me! It's the same thing! I'm just too nice! They take advantage!" What a foolish thing to say. 


I'm not perfect. I know this.  I know my weaknesses and I'm a strong enough person to look back on them with regret and try today to amend relationships/start new ones w/a healthier potential. Victimizing yourself does nothing but show a decreased self-esteem as well as an immaturity in handling a life situation.  It's not my fault that someone's mama didn't teach them life skills to be able to handle such things.  At the same time, I'm thinking..."Well if this has happened more than once from different kinds of people, do ya really think that it takes a genius to figure you out OR that it has something to do with you to make folks consistently push that button?" 


Don't get me wrong..there were definitely good times. Funny thing is...I can think of 4-5 different episodes off the top of my head that was never spoken about but that this person did to make me feel insignificant, inferior, singled-out, or even the blunt of that person's bad day.  And while I'm on the phone being called names, lectured, and even demeaned...I never said anything harsh.  I just apologized for what I did or any hurt that followed and left it as it was.  I don't put up a front.  I am who I am...I don't go outside in makeup and short shorts acting like I'm confident and awesome then come home and cry because no one wants to be around me.  I don't end my day alone.  I feel sorry for that person.  It's sad and I am sorry that I'm not willing to be there.  

Music on my Heart

I can only hope that there is music in your life that reaches a depth of your soul that no human may find capable.  If you have not found songs to do that, my friend, you haven't listened enough.  There's this one song I keep playing over and over in my head tonight...Jack Johnson's "All At Once." Oh the wealth of memories and emotions nearly overwhelm me. 

This song takes me back to learning about the inner workings of a long-time, dear friend.  Seeing her playing her guitar (learning to play) on a wooden porch swing in the springtime made me feel so alive and so thankful to see her a beauty so unintentional that I can only stop to admire her for who she is. 


This song touches aspects of my life that no other one does.  The lyrics carry me away in the present and leave me in hope for the future.  The feeling of being overwhelmed to the point that you can't be talked out of it, of reaching through darkness for something familiar, of having promises in your heart that you make that may go a lifetime with being unsaid...


And the acoustic version...just guitar and voice...takes me to a place of peace.  If you don't have a song like that in your life, friend, you haven't listened enough.  


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1Qf912W_JM 

Done and done

Emily Dickinson wrote "Pain has an element of blank; it cannot recollect when it began or if there were a day when it was not. It has no future but itself, its infinite realms contain its past enlightened to perceive new elements of pain." 

There's no feeling of emptiness for me closer to that feeling I get when I'm realizing that an era of my life has ended and I'm being forced into change.  I love change but only when it's on my terms in my control.  Then after a while you have the element of blank; where you're in transition and you can look back on things without having the hurt/anger/sadness that originally came with the pain.  It's now just blank.  

An era officially ended today for me. 

Popularity Contest Anyone?

I completely caught myself feeling popular today!! Hilarious to me considering I'm never that girl.  Totally walked into the cafeteria in the hospital I work at to hear my name being called from a table full of radiology folks.  If only I knew who it was....

But it made me start thinking about what it is about popularity that makes people feel good? A certain someone (who's recently made an exit from the World of Mine) was one of those kind.  For some reason, he had hundreds (possibly thousands) of acquaintances.  When it came down to it though, he really only had 2 people he could go to if something was on his mind though.  Knowing a ton of names for the sake of it doesn't count for crap in my book.  I don't have many simple acquaintances. Actually, I'm the least likely to take time to learn someone's name whom I think will only be a phase of my lifetime.  That being said, I have a handful of best friends.  I can think of several people that I can disclose my deepest concerns and faults to and who will, in return, provide support.  I've always had pride that I'm happier that way and also in the fact that I don't lose those friends.  I certainly have fights with and even have blatantly hurt/lost friends, but not the ones I invested in emotionally/personally.  

So....who's voice was it that yelled my name?? Intrigue ensues....

A Thousand Miles Away

It's easy for me to see how people would think I have it awesome right now. Young, no kids, single, independent, traveling, making some awesome money, etc. are things that I myself have working for me.  My heart isn't in it though.  Being one of the least materialistic people you'll ever meet, it shouldn't be a surprise that the money doesn't make me happy.  It doesn't even phase me.  All that paycheck does is make life easier...not better.  I shut myself out this weekend.  It doesn't matter. No one will be missing me. I think I miss myself more than anyone out there.  This is an empty lifestyle.  There's no one to call to go to dinner or just to grab some coffee when I need out of my house.  There's no one that can relate to what I do or my life here.  True laughter has been out of my life for over a year now and to be honest, it doesn't matter where I go b/c my heart just isn't in it.  It's thousands of miles away...tucked into someone else's past.  I know where it is...but waiting for it to come back to me sucks.  I'm just wandering aimlessly until then.... 

Personal Philosophy

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. 
I can't stand it when people ask me something requiring honesty when we both know that the answer is going to be negative.  Really here's the  thing, I am abrupt and brutally honest even when I try to play nice.  That being said, if you know you won't like what I have to say, don't then throw some angry/hurt/upset emotion at me cuz I'm just gonna be like..."you asked."  So here's the deal...recently just started talking to an old flame; someone I know there's chemistry with.  I went into that whole-heartedly with good intentions.  What I found though was an incredibly immature, insecure, clingy type who was either "talking out his ass" as he would put it or just trying to tell me what he thought I'd want to hear.  And here's what I say unto you: 1) I have always been a free bird and you knew this. 2) I have not shattered your little heart or at least have not given you enough of a reason to behave like a highschool emo female so stop 3)Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve with all this "I just want someone to want me" crap. No one is falling for it.  4) Take a look at yourself and realize that you are the problem...not the girls.  5) Regarding that materialism thing, the definition of materialistic is "Materialistic describes a person who is markedly more concerned with material things (such as money and possessions) rather than spiritual, intellectual, or cultural values." Guess what buddy, buying stuff does not make women want you.  Well if it does, that'll still be a girl who doesn't truly want YOU...she wants your stuff.  And while you'll rationalize it in your head that you aren't doing all that to increase your chances at finding marriage at first sight, the truth is that the boat, MacBook, house, truck, bike, etc. do not change the fact that you're still an incredibly immature, insecure, whiny person and that you have some serious issues to handle on your own before you can take on handling faults in a partner.  6)Grow up and get your shit together..geez

Missing Her

This is one of my all-time favorite pictures.  I think it's because I captured one of the true essences of my mother in this picture.  She's hugging me like there is no tomorrow yet still talking her head off.  I'm so lucky she's not only in my life but she's my mom.  I'm one of the few that truly gets the best part of her...her heart, priority, wisdom.  This is a woman who knows the exact time to grab your hand at a moment when you're about to breakdown.  She's a woman who loves without boundaries and isn't guarded by the things people have done.  She expects nothing and gives everything...which ultimately leads to ruin in earthly ways but leads to an footprint placed into existence that I can only hope to achieve.  

An Era Ago

Looking in the mirror, I see a good realist who dwells on the memories of being a romantic.  I miss that feeling that I was holding out for someone to sweep me off my feet. Rihanna has it right wanting to feel like the "only girl in the world." Only the truth is that all it takes is for one good scar to remind you that romance isn't enough...love isn't enough.  I miss thinking that I didn't have a standard; that I could follow my heart and it would be enough to fulfill my life. No longer true.  I have a standard that now rejects men who I'm sure would love me to my hearts desire but that now also requires a level of determination, self-motivation, intelligence, and the adventure.  I miss being a romantic. I wish warm fuzzies were enough for me to go out of my way to do anything for any kind of relationship.  It's not anymore. 


In the last era of my life, I was in a relationship that I knew had a great chance that it would fail miserably if it went bad....but I was willing to risk it because if it worked, it would be something great.  Risks.  Despite being on good terms with the person whom swept me off my feet and took me to a level of commitment thinking that I'd never been to, there's still that "pain in my shirt" as Cee Lo would say it. There's the idea that romanticism doesn't work anymore.  An idea that it should be chemistry I look for in addition to the standard if I'm going to spend my precious time on someone.  There's also the issue of not knowing what's normal for healing.  I lost my love, my best friend, and my mission in life by losing this man.  He's still my 1st and last thought of the day.  Only now that I had to cut my losses and walk away, I've been able to gain a new mission in life which is to travel and at least get paid while I'm out in the world doing things on my own. It doesn't hurt as much being out here on the road alone as it did being grounded in one place feeling alone with him right next to me.  Heh, the way I see it...I don't belong anywhere in particular so why not see all the options out there.  

Lost Soul or Found?

Risks are what life is about.  I take personal pride in the independence I have as well as the courage to put myself out there to take some pretty big risks.  There's always a price though.  Taking the life I have come from and turning it into something that makes me happy, financially stable and worth being proud of wasn't easy.  Being on the road with nothing but time and space to contemplate who I am compared to who I was/want to be makes for some pretty lonely nights, some pretty big dreams...some pretty obvious regrets.  This travel thing is something I've always wanted to do but here I am bottling up my emotions and thoughts simply because I took the risk to go out here on my own not realizing what downsides there would be.  So here it goes...blogging for the first time....you'll be on the road with me from now until the end World Wide Web.