Gettin' into a Groove!

Finally! I'm getting to a point where Dallas doesn't wear me out daily!! Operation Nobody Likes a Fatty is underway with the effects being noticed.  There are inches lost, cellulite disappearing, and last but not least...jeans that can fit again! Ugh!! I'm so freaking excited about my progress that I can't wait to shop now which is obviously going to cut into my spending plan!! I can't stop traveling too!! Right now, I have a trip to Detroit in 3 weeks and 2 months later a trip to Atlanta!! Geez, Konjo....get it together.  Hope anyone who reads this is having such a busy but awesome time in life right now. I'm gonna send good vibes to all my readers out there! 

Behold! Me :)

When I began this job (this life), I had no idea the impact it would have on my relationships with people.  It's never really been difficult for me to make friends or meet men to at least have a crush on.  When I began this traveling, I had just made the decision to walk away from a list of giant life choices I had made in the previous year which had all failed.  My CFY was tumultuous, my job was unethical and overly demanding, my cost of living to income ratio kept me broke, my new city was cold literally and figuratively, my family didn't support my efforts, and to top the cake...my love had turned into my burden.  I had to just walk away and if you've ever done that with anything in life, you realize how unbelievably difficult it can be. 

At that time, relationships were the last thing on my mind.  I didn't care if I had friends or love.  I wanted my own space, money and interests to acquire.  Yep, I didn't really have anything going for myself because I was so wrapped up in the ex.  Girl mistake 101.  Well folks, that was a year and a half ago.  Now I'm a place where I want people around me.  I want consistency. I want love.  I look for connections.  What I have taken from everything that has occurred in my lifetime is one very important thing.  Consistency facilitates progression.  I  have never had stability in any part of my entire life and maybe that's why I feel so comfortably living a lifestyle of constant change and uncertainty.  Who knows....

What I do know is that I have my own interests now.  I have things to bring to the table for anyone I may be so lucky to spend time with in my future.  I'm ready for my life to progress and I am ready for consistency.  I just need to find time for it :) 

Sweet Surprises!!

Latest vice has been donuts.  I randomly eat those things but stopped to get some Monday as I was rushing into work. Hey, I'm a simple person.  2 glazed donuts satisfies all the cravings and frankly, it hit the spot.  Actually, it was the best dang donuts I have ever eaten!! This business is amazing.  It's a clean, modernly decorated place.  They put donuts on display but you don't see the have used sheets of donuts because they go to the back to get you FRESH ones!! They are warm and the glaze has barely set....ok....so you see how easily a person could get addicted right!?!?! That being said....


Voices bantering outside the apartment at 7 a.m. isn't the best way to wake up on the last day of the weekend to sleep in! What can a girl do? So I'm staring at the ceiling and all I can think about is those stupid donuts.  Do I really have extra money to waste on a whim food item that's bad for me? Not really but they are only 75 cents.  Do I really want to get dressed and drive all the way there for that? Well I'll pull my hair back and just put on a bra. LOL Excuses led me to the donut direction.  


Not gonna lie to you; I cherished every delicate moment I had with those donuts.  Then it happened...the motivation I needed to get control of myself. Having licked my fingertips clean already I began unpacking a few keepsakes that I typically use around my apartment to make it feel a little like home.  As I'm digging through this small box, I come across a "Fat Picture" I took of myself last December.  I mean one of those "before" pictures people take to remember what they started exercising and dieting for to begin with.  I labeled the date and weight at the time and put it on my fridge while I was in Austin to remind myself not to eat out of boredom.  Well ladies and gentlemen; I have lost almost 20 lbs since that picture was taken. I didn't even realize it.  Today, I took a progress picture, went for a run and promised myself


NO MORE DONUTS. 

Puzzle Pieces

Remember long ago when I mentioned that I feel like life is a serious of puzzle pieces? You don't know what the big picture looks like until the end. Sometimes you pick up pieces too soon that don't fit even though you know they belong somewhere.  Sometimes you look back on a certain piece you love and realize it's so far back in your puzzle that you feel a little sad.  I'm beginning to look at every piece like that.  


These gypsy feet do grow weary.  It's about time to settle down a little I think and finally....I have direction.  I finally enjoy a place from top to bottom, feel welcome and am excited to make a plan to be here long term.  The Avett Brothers say "When you're loved by someone, you're never rejected. Decide what to be and go be it." That's what I need to remember.  I came here simply to hang out with a friend and the person I found was someone that isn't just a bestie...she's a strong person who loves me for me and she inspires me to decide to be.  Now to work out the kinks and save for an apartment!! 

Texas, I'm Back

The moment finally came!! My family officially drove me crazy enough to leave the state!! Nah...kinda.  My mini vacation was anything but relaxing.  Time was spent recovering from the removal of my wisdom teeth, caring for my dog who obtained about 7 inches worth of stitches down his chest, going to at least 6 doctor appointments, spending time with the whole family on the 4th, helping my nephew move his furniture outside to remodel inside then a day later running in the rain to cover the furniture, going to a OBGYN appointment to hear the heartbeat of my great niece on the way, and trying to give any advice I have to the young adults at home who are getting out on their own for the first time any day now.  It was painful, memorable, exciting, eye-opening....so many moments captured in 2 weeks.  


Now here I am in Dallas, TX for an assignment that will probably be shorter rather than later but is shaping up to quite possibly be the place I stop and settle down once I'm finished traveling.  Yep...this is it.  It's the year I slow down.  I can't believe I'm saying it but I love Texas.  I love Texan food, attitude, vivaciousness and men :) Time to save some money and park it.  

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

During college, I took Sociology as an elective class & there's only one point that professor made that stuck with me. 

"People are only in relationships as long as they are getting something."

Isn't that so true?! You only care about the cashier for as long as you are in his/her line.  You only stay friends with people as long as you are getting some sort of perk (i.e. emotional support, professional connecting, financial back-up plan,etc.) It's the same with those we love including our families. 

One can go on and on about respecting those we love, who deserves it, how to give it....but the truth is, we only have interactions with those people if we are getting something from them.  I'll bet that whether you are introverted or extraverted, have a few friends or a ton of "friends"....you can only count on one hand those that you really get things/needs from that you also give those to.  ??? Any input, World?

From the Iphone

My last few weeks have been insane! I have been so blessed in so many ways and like many others in this world, i rarely take time to give credit where it is due. My mother just spent her whole weekend catering to me after i had wisdom teeth removed. Vomitting blood, fevers, and wimpers of pain are not exactly easy to deal with all weekend. My nephew is trying his hardest to do what is right in his life despite a few odds being against him. My last job assignment gave me goodbyes that will forever remain in my heart. The newest "what if" has left me in the dust (not to my surprise). I'm done bloggers. I surrender. I let go of it all. Tomorrow is a new day and should i awaken to live it, live it i shall.

Breaking Point

Everyone has some event in their life where they lose control of a situation which is ending badly and out of desperate attempt to save something they hold dear, they snap.  There's a brief mental black-out where all that matters is that the anger and frustration leave your body or that the message is somehow gotten across another way because verbal expression doesn't seem to be getting anywhere anymore.  That's the point where kids look for guns in the closet,  things that aren't meant are said to an extreme, and where violence and suicide rear their ugly head.  


Something I've been seeing a lot lately is mental health issues and what society does about them.  Oh! We think we're so progressive considering some countries through the handicapped in a closet hidden from life.  Are we really that different? 


I truly hope someone out there in the world will read this blog tonight and absorb the message. Don't isolate someone for coming to a breaking point.  Isolating them only festers awful thoughts and feelings in someone who's already unstable.  I can't imagine what it's like to constantly feel friendless, anxious, sad, physical pain, blocked, scared, nervous, etc.  I can't imagine what it's like to see not only that something taken from me that I held so dear but also to what the ripple effect of my connected world disintegrating around me.  


If anyone you know has issues and is/isn't seeking help for it, please just be open to the idea that they may need you more than you need them.  They may need someone to just listen or be in their corner.  

Whoosh!!

Another assignment has come and gone! LORD ALMIGHTY this has been a test of so many things! These last few weeks have lead me to question my goals, my drive for my career, my financial stability, my patience with my family, my standards towards men, my mind with regards to openness....I have grown as a person. 


Living and learning is never easy.  I'm not sure I'd want it to be.  That being said, at least I have learned a few things.  

*Goodbyes don't have to be bad

*People do remember the good times

*I don't have to stop traveling to find love 

*Love will take me as I am

*There are men out there NOT intimidated by my job

*Accepting a compliment isn't a statement of excessive confidence

*Sometimes I should just let him pay the bill

*Standing up to my morals no matter how uncomfortable makes me human

*respect the elderly for their knowledge and wisdom

*Time to save more money!! 

*Being a good friend means accepting someone for their flaws and all 

*Patience is still something I need to work on

As I pack my bags in this next 2 weeks and say my goodbyes to Camden, AR I truly hope that I left an imprint on someone's life.  The people here have no idea the imprint they have left on me.  

The knock @ the door

Even now, months after that moment, I still feel my heart sink when our eyes met.  Standing @ the elevator is something that's so commonplace and mundane that you wouldn't exactly be looking for love (well my case, a huge What If).  I pressed the button, looked down @ the paperwork in tow and silently bitched about having to help the acute care that day.  Usual. 


A flash instant my peripheral vision lead me to lift my head to see who the figure was down that empty hallway and there you were.  Blue shirt. Khakis. Sly grin and eyes staring straight into my soul.  There was that movie-made feeling of an invisible string that seemed to be tieing me to you.  


It came out of nowhere. I had no idea who you were other than you worked with Radiology.  That magnetic chemistry we had definitely made an impression though.  So what do I do but begin investigation?? Found out your name, job..oh and about your girlfriend. End of investigation.  All that was left for me was to cherish any moments I had with you after that.  Any little touch, hug, smile....I silently clung to it for days.  


Whoever said, "Timing is everything." needs to be shot for jinxing us all.  Of course, right as I'm making my usual exit all gypsy-style, you find a way to contact me.  Time for me to leave came at time for your relationship to be over and you jumped @ getting my #.  I find out you didn't even stay down in Radiology but had a friend text to tell you when I came down. I just thought you were always down there!! If I had only known how long that was going on, I would have paid more attention to you...


Either way, I left and we quit talking.  I miss you though.  It's an odd sort of thing because I barely know you BUT i've been kicking myself since I left...if only i'd had more time.  Midland, TX called me this week.  And then you contacted me....

What if....

Cowboy Take Me Away

Been feeling lost again lately.  Spent an entire weekend with my family and was truly reminded of my original mission in life which was to blaze my own path.  I guess I'd forgotten what I came to do.  Why am I clinging to my past so wholeheartedly? 


Maybe sometimes it takes sweating the small stuff to make one feel ridiculous enough to see the bigger picture. I don't know. Maybe I'm a hopeless mess that's just flapping in the wind.  What I do know is that the not knowing of where I'll end up is half the fun and maybe I need to  just breathe.  


Newest personal goal: Go to an amusement park and ride EVERY roller coaster.  It's something I've never been able to do....I'm going to.  

Age Old Concept

Talking about in my face!! Not a single day goes by where I don't have to consider an age gap between myself and others.   No, ladies, I'm not talking about watching the teiny, weiny, yellow polka-dot bikini walking past me in public. Oh no...I'm talking about those subtly dropped hints at what others think about my age.  


I get it. I'm not in college anymore. This ain't my first rodeo even though I do kinda wish it was.  Every day at work is spent with elderly people being reminded of how young I am.  A 90 year old woman looks at me every single day like I'm an idiot for constantly reminding her to lock her wheelchair brakes (like some young punk) when really it's not my fault you're a fall risk and FORGETFUL!! I have to consider if "roller skates" were called "roller shoes" when they first came out because she was well into adulthood when that happened or if that is her expressive aphasia kicking in. I have to come home to a group of neighbors who are married with children and about 2 decades older than me OR to a group of college age interns who chuckle with the I-Blacked-Out-Last-Night-Maaaannnn conversation.  


Being completely candid on that last thought actually....I personally love it when someone in the group is like "Oh you have a Master's? How old are you?" Then when I answer a mere "26" I get a droopage of the mouth, eyes at the ground, "Oh." and then they simply move on like it was never mentioned.  Is it that bad, World? 


At the age of 26, should I feel on edge? Like if I don't get in gear towards some next more grown up step soon, I'll begin accumulating cats that I have to feed milk out of pie pans because they multiply too quickly for my brittle bones to gather dishes of increasing size.

Le Sigh

National Prayer Day

Did anyone tell you it's National Prayer Day?? This announcement via facebook posts @ work let to a pretty deep discussion regarding science vs. faith and the possible ways we each questioned parts of our own religion.  The discussion was among a liberal Catholic, liberal Baptist and a conservative Baptist.  Interestingly, we all agreed on one thing...God.  


Now I'm not one to force my views on others but hey, it's my blog. Don't read if you're sensitive today :) In light of the day, I'm going to publicize my devotional time.  Confession: I consider myself more spiritual than religious.  I don't believe in obligating myself to attend church services, tithing to specific churches, or necessarily memorizing the Bible.  My relationship with God is my own and I don't have to meet a group of people on Sunday to hold hands and sing. I can sing in the shower and give praise more openly...anyways...

Tonight's readings are from the story of God making Sarah (Abraham's wife) pregnant in old age and then led into Matthew 6: 1-24 in which Matthew teaches us the following (as I interpret): 

*Keep your good deeds to yourself. God doesn't reward publicity. 

*Pray in private and speak as you would to your ultimate Father...repetition of biblical phrases can leave out the meanings in the prayer and God already knows what you'll ask before you do

*Forgive 

*If you fast, do it privately

**Store your treasures in heaven; where ever your treasure lies, your heart lies also

*See the good in life because when you see only bad, your whole body becomes bad.Also, be willing to address your own faults....it's worse when you see yourself as having the light but you really are full of darkness

*You can't serve God and money...one will always come first.  

Guilty.  I struggle with all of those aspects in some way.  Thankfully, these truths have been sort of a huge sign in front of me all day.  They just keep coming up randomly.  Now, as literally the 3rd time I've been in thought about it, I realize someone upstairs is screaming some things I need to work on.  

To anyone out there who may read my thoughts tonight,

May you find peace and clarity in your religious beliefs. 

I sincerely hope that you have the insight to take note of the things

you need to do to be more prepared for whatever your afterlife brings.

Being a Christian, I hope that you find your way to God and 

that you never lose your path.  

Good Night, All.  Muah! 

Competition

Have you ever thought about how life is one giant competition?? And how it's ironic that those that succeed are either really attractive or really confident?? Tonight was spent subjected to a situation in which there were 6 males and 2 females including myself.  I was sitting with 6 attractive men all of which are incredibly successful and oh so thankful to have made some connections and learned some things but....on the same token, I was in this group sitting across from an international, highly attractive, almost bonafied industrial engineer who is not only absolutely beautiful but also carries herself incredibly sophisticated.  Here I am in my sports shirt and converse, hair pulled back like I was going jogging and self-conscious about the gut I have looking at this girl and almost wishing I was her.  ALMOST. I didn't.  


Hooray for personal growth here! I'm finally at a point where I'm going to simply enjoy my company.  I sat there and talked with every single person in that group playing the typical cat-and-mouse games.  1st statement to break ice, listen to what you say, ask some related question as if I'm really that interested in what you're talking about, listen attentively, contribute a thought and tangent.  Where did that get me?? 


New friends!! Ha Ha! I actually had the most interest and connection with the other girl :) Hello N-.  I will certainly go to a movie with you next weekend :) Dudes....you were cool but way to interested in discussing accidental altercations with your own balls.  LOL 

I could be....

So many people have so many opinions about how I live my life.  Who knows how many times I have gotten 2 cents for free about choices I've made? I could be: 

Weak. I could break down every time I feel lonely. Some self-destruct out of sadness 

of not having loved ones around constantly.  

Afraid to go into the unknown. Some live their life confined to a fear

of what facial expression "society" would make if they walk into a restaurant alone.

Cautious enough to keep my feet on the easy path.  When I see a fork in the road, shouldn't I flip for it?

I will not confine myself in my lifetime of dying. 

Solitude

Today is turning out to be one of those days where I can relish some sort of peace despite the fact that there are a million things to take care of.  Life. I'm so thankful that I get to be outside feeling the cool breeze sweep my hair back while the birds chirp and the puppy runs around.  For once, it's so quiet. I'm left to my own thoughts and for once in my life, there are none. I'm completely blank.  :) 

Settling

Tonight, friends, I'm stuck on this idea of "settling" in the relationship sense.  While sitting @ dinner with 5 relatively randomly grouped people, I realized I was present for the growth of a new relationship. The only other girl (age 22) was there after having only 1 date with a guy (at least into his 30's).  


The thought struck me that those two really have no idea what they are getting into but that it's absolutely beautiful to see the honeymoon phase in others.  I never would have put those two together if I could hand-pick couples from a crowd.  What could they possibly  have in common?? My guess, although critical, points to the fact that each is an upgrade for the other. He gets the younger, hotter woman and she gets the guy who got an education and can financially take care of her so she doesn't have to waitress any longer.  My guess only....


The thought also came up that she could do better but is settling for him.  (Notice I don't give a crap about him LOL) Settling though...what the hell does that mean?? Don't we all have to settle for someone??? If you think about it, not a single significant other is going to have all the perfectly balancing qualities you need in your life.  You have to settle for coping with things, fighting for things or trying to work on certain aspects of that person.  Besides that...everything is just a quality factor.  A job, salary, value system, behavior, etc. is all just a contributing factor to which we rank for what we feel we DESERVE and then measure every potential love up to.  Even love itself....sometimes we don't love someone as much as we feel we deserve to love the person we are going to be with for the rest of our life.  So we let them go on the boundary that we don't want to "settle." How am I supposed feel about that?  

Dang You, Celtics!!

Boston Celtics Vs. Miami Heat goes down right now.  I think back to the last game I saw with these teams...Tuesday, April 10th.  I was so tired.  After a day of travel, all I wanted was to see you and to see the game in which our teams were battling for bragging rights.  You won.  Ugh....losing is hard for me to live with.  


Right now I think back to that game with a smile. I look at the empty space you should be filling on my couch for this game and I look at the score wondering if you're watching it thinking of me.  Probably not but your team is losing.  


I stare at this screen wondering what I should disclose to the public.  My day was full of emotional turbulence.  I just wanted to be left alone.  I finally made it through to day and found a small bit of peace and quiet only to have my heart lead back to you. It always does that! I come home and keep myself busy again only to think of you...nonstop.  My heart begins to sadden and I send up a prayer.  I never pray.  

"Heavenly Father, I pray for W-. Keep him safe in his work tonight. Bring him happiness 

and wisdom to make choices 

that bring about your will, Father. 

Please, Lord, help me love others despite any hurt they inflict upon me.  Let these feelings of 

sadness and embarrassment leave soon, Lord. 

Help me forgive and make my heart open 

should W- ever decide to love me back. In Jesus name I pray, Amen"

Oh, and uh....it's halftime....Celtics still losing :) 

Well, Camden, thanks

Boom! The sound of another hope blowing up in my face. Ya know that joke about "if you wanna hear God laugh, tell him your plans?" Well, that joke was made about me.  Oh, don't get me wrong, still longing for the day that I feel like I can lay some roots somewhere with the love of my life.  However, Mr. Who-I-Can't-Stop-Thinking-About reality checked me on a pretty low level.  


Some people are meant to be phases of our lives like they are only a piece to our puzzle. They are only meant to fit in one way in one spot but the puzzle just keeps getting bigger and eventually, that piece is lost in all the other pieces.  This piece, though, is a piece that doesn't altogether fit.  For some reason, I'm completely caught up in the story of this one...piece of my life that just refuses to stay in one spot to fit.  


As a Christian, I believe in God's plan for me and I catch myself getting lost in my own plans instead of leaning on his....maybe that's my problem. Maybe he's putting this piece in my puzzle as a test of faith.  This person who teases me with his great job and sense of security happens to be falling into my life as effortlessly as he falls out.  And EVERY SINGLE TIME I want him to stay so badly.  I spend weeks wondering, wanting, trying, and then crying. 


This time, the weeks have been spent with mixed signals.  I'm so confused. Why would someone hold my hand, rub my feet, invite me into their space so comfortably (when that is WAY outside their box) and then simply not communicate with me any further? What did I do? I love him with all my heart and soul. Maybe that's the test....I failed miserably this time. All I know is....if I ever get another chance at this piece of my puzzle..... 

Permanency

The ever-free spirit in me is beginning to ache.  For quite some time now I've been ignoring the biological clock...roaming this world waiting to come across some soul mate who will sweep me off my feet and make me feel so grounded that the grass isn't greener in the next zip code.  I've ached for many things in my life: space, world knowledge, taste of the new, and even simplicity.  I've never really had an ache for companionship and then when I did, I got a dog :) 

Masking can only take one so far though. Why is it so hard to want things to just...fit together?? It seems like no matter what direction I take myself, some aspect feels forced.  Maybe it's the insatiable Saggitarius in me that makes those minor factors so obvious that they eat at me.  

Right now I'm faced with the exhaustion of moving, of being away from my family, of feeling so far away from everything that I'm considering stopping it all.  I'm tired, World.  I just want to live and have some sort of...normalcy. I want to feel boredom, redundancy, and make a home for myself. Who knows....maybe soul mate will show himself.  Maybe he already has and I don't know it yet.  Maybe I'm a fool but then again, maybe....it's just another adventure in slow-paced AR.  Oh, Camden, please don't let me down. 

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Been faced with a bit of confrontation lately regarding plans.  What are mine? Marriage? Kids? It gets really hard to answer that question sometimes!! It's not a matter of simply saying "Yes or No" to wanting children.  The answer lies in love. Always in love. A recent fling told me that unconditional love matters more than anything in the world and that he lives his life by that.  He tries to give without getting. Maybe I'm too skeptical for all that. I don't know. I always look at my relationships with people sociologically speaking where relationships on any level only exist if each party is getting something. 


The whole idea of unconditional love is completely foreign to me.  How do you just love?How do you learn to do that? How can someone so easily forgive and forget in order to love someone unconditionally?? If everyday I love a homeless beggar in the streets enough to give him everything in my pocket and then he becomes ungrateful one day that the $$ isn't as much as the day before, how do I love them so much that it doesn't hinder my thoughts/actions with that situation from that point on?? 


Question: Are some of us more wired to love and others to be guarded?? Is it only experience-based?? 

Double-Edge Sword

Having one of those double-edge swords kind of nights. There's nothing more I dislike than having to own up to negative thoughts/feelings towards another person.  The reality is that I'm ready to date someone seriously again. Apparently it takes me longer than it does the ex. Heh...if I'm not mistaken, he's been in a serious relationship for quite some time.  I wonder why that is??? Anyway, one of my greatest flaws is that I know very quickly if someone is worth taking another step for but if I'm having fun, I don't always exactly....put that out on the table. 

So this someone I've been around the last few weeks is attractive, clever, cultured, and close to his family.  Those characteristics were listed in order of my increasing love of them.  However, I found out rather vaguely through prying that he has a very seriously complex and incriminating past.  Those poor decisions previously made out of youth, poverty, happenstance geographical location, and lack of positive guidance have set him up for a life of working very hard for very little.  It's also has a pattern of drug involvement; although, the impact it's making on his current situation is significantly less these days.  

The primary reasoning I utilize in deciding if someone is worth a next step (i.e. dating to continue dating) is answering the question "Am I willing to stand behind him to my family?" My family is in no way offensive or would intentionally put me in a situation where I would have to do that. The truth is though, that's my measurement for whether or not I think  I could stick up for them when they make mistakes, make decisions, or don't live up to some quality my family believes I deserve (out of love).  Truthfully, his past makes me not trust him to make good decisions for me, a potential relationship, or even himself for that matter. So the answer is no, no further stepage going on with this one.  

The dig=that moment when he comes out and asks, "What do you think of me? Are you getting feelings for me? What are we? Etc." Dang.  Hate that.  Well, now it's man-up time and I had to put it out there. My answer was, "well I like parts of you." Then we got real and it all came out.  The result was a silent exit made by said someone with silent treatment hereafter.  Dang.  What do you do though!?! Well, hmmm it was fun while it lasted :) Se la vi, friend. 

V-Day Blues

Here we go again!! Yup! Thanks to MANkind, I'm flyin' solo for Valentine's day yet another year. Gotta admit though that this year is waaay better than last year.  You know...heart no longer broken, no longer crying/moping around, no longer expecting anything to be better than it is. I'm thinking, maybe, my new neighbor will find it in his also solo heart to build us a bonfire to drink around. Birds of a feather, right?

Operation: Nobody likes a fatty (As Florida would put it) is going awesome. I'm already getting some positive attention lately. I've met my goal of losing 5% of my weight so now I'm just focusing on 10%.  Baby steps.  I'm a real sucker for hunger pains. I'd rather have the runs or vomit or something than be hungry (spoken like a true thicky thick girl).  I found ways of curbing that and now I realize that as I enter week 3, my pains are actually a lot less intense and a lot more spaced out across the day. Lemme tell ya, I never thought one of those smoothies or atkins drinks would hold me over but those things have turned into an awesome breakfast!! I know..it's a process and my stomach is shrinking but sometimes it's the small things that make you realize your progress!! I'm noticing I feel better, have more energy, and am more comfortable with limiting myself.  So maybe the next thing will be fitting into those jeans I've been wishful thinking of.  

Once Was Weak

Been thinkin' a lot about self control lately.  Ugh...I don't have any. As a super impulsive creature, I can't help but think that my happiest memories are those in which I just let loose to live a little. Problem: that is my reality.  


Where to begin? Well, society says the first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Hi. My name is Tracie and I'm a chubby, lazy, lover of fast food.  I think it's finally time I do take control of my flaws and start caring more about my health, appearance, vitality. :) Never too late to start right? 


Sooo expect the next few blogs to be about my changes in activity level, eating habits, and thoughts regarding my own self worth.  I'm beginning weight watchers online and taking it seriously.  Whether or not I keep it up is the hard part. Welcome to Life. 

Stroke of Luck Lately :)

Well I say "luck." As luck would have it, I'm in a secluded town broke as can be but hey...$0 is still in the positives, right? Heh A week ago I was sitting at home excited to start this new job and now I'm sitting in a Comfort Inn bed excited to start the next day.  It's nice.  It's nice to look around and wonder if this is THE town I'll meet someone special, make amazing friends or have amazing memories. Every person met is considered a new friend and treated as if an adventure is in the making.  Truth is, as much time that's spent wanting what can't be had, I am so super blessed. This life, folks, is an adventure :) 

Is it just me...or is this world super small??

My mom asked me today if it's weird coming home and seeing so many people I know.  Nah, that's not the weird part.  What's weird is when I see someone who looks super familiar or when I meet someone new and have to wonder why in the world we haven't met sooner. 

I'm a strong believer in the plan that God has made for me is what's best.  To my newest acquaintences, friends, potential loves: you know this version of me for a reason and every time I see you, I spend time wondering what purpose God has put me in your life/vice versa. 

I also caught myself being biased and kinda judging some people from my past @ the V last night.  I caught myself in a headspace that was negative and unfair to those people. Just because this particular ex-classmate had qualities that made me not want to be his friend back then doesn't mean he's still that guy. 

New Goal 2012: Give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

Look @ Me Now

Well it's happened before and will happen again...RANDOM!!

Home is where the couch is!! Yup! SugaFoot did it again. Texas certainly added an element of surprise to my life. I drove my butt back to Arkansas temporarily homeless and unemployed. Party on Wayne LOL Here I am.

In this week, old friends and new ones of snuck up on me like I never thought would happen before. We got to drum up old feelings and laughter through reminiscing from school days. I got the opportunity to flirt, giggle, smile. And even though my whole body aches from sleeping on my mom's couch, I'm a happy lil gypsy girl.

BTW...babies are awesome. I shall never admit it again and will always pretend like they gross me out...but...my niece just happens to be pretty F*n amazing.

Besides all that, love just may find me :) New Spark?? We'll see!!