Done and done

Emily Dickinson wrote "Pain has an element of blank; it cannot recollect when it began or if there were a day when it was not. It has no future but itself, its infinite realms contain its past enlightened to perceive new elements of pain." 

There's no feeling of emptiness for me closer to that feeling I get when I'm realizing that an era of my life has ended and I'm being forced into change.  I love change but only when it's on my terms in my control.  Then after a while you have the element of blank; where you're in transition and you can look back on things without having the hurt/anger/sadness that originally came with the pain.  It's now just blank.  

An era officially ended today for me. 

Popularity Contest Anyone?

I completely caught myself feeling popular today!! Hilarious to me considering I'm never that girl.  Totally walked into the cafeteria in the hospital I work at to hear my name being called from a table full of radiology folks.  If only I knew who it was....

But it made me start thinking about what it is about popularity that makes people feel good? A certain someone (who's recently made an exit from the World of Mine) was one of those kind.  For some reason, he had hundreds (possibly thousands) of acquaintances.  When it came down to it though, he really only had 2 people he could go to if something was on his mind though.  Knowing a ton of names for the sake of it doesn't count for crap in my book.  I don't have many simple acquaintances. Actually, I'm the least likely to take time to learn someone's name whom I think will only be a phase of my lifetime.  That being said, I have a handful of best friends.  I can think of several people that I can disclose my deepest concerns and faults to and who will, in return, provide support.  I've always had pride that I'm happier that way and also in the fact that I don't lose those friends.  I certainly have fights with and even have blatantly hurt/lost friends, but not the ones I invested in emotionally/personally.  

So....who's voice was it that yelled my name?? Intrigue ensues....

A Thousand Miles Away

It's easy for me to see how people would think I have it awesome right now. Young, no kids, single, independent, traveling, making some awesome money, etc. are things that I myself have working for me.  My heart isn't in it though.  Being one of the least materialistic people you'll ever meet, it shouldn't be a surprise that the money doesn't make me happy.  It doesn't even phase me.  All that paycheck does is make life easier...not better.  I shut myself out this weekend.  It doesn't matter. No one will be missing me. I think I miss myself more than anyone out there.  This is an empty lifestyle.  There's no one to call to go to dinner or just to grab some coffee when I need out of my house.  There's no one that can relate to what I do or my life here.  True laughter has been out of my life for over a year now and to be honest, it doesn't matter where I go b/c my heart just isn't in it.  It's thousands of miles away...tucked into someone else's past.  I know where it is...but waiting for it to come back to me sucks.  I'm just wandering aimlessly until then....