Personal Philosophy

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. 
I can't stand it when people ask me something requiring honesty when we both know that the answer is going to be negative.  Really here's the  thing, I am abrupt and brutally honest even when I try to play nice.  That being said, if you know you won't like what I have to say, don't then throw some angry/hurt/upset emotion at me cuz I'm just gonna be like..."you asked."  So here's the deal...recently just started talking to an old flame; someone I know there's chemistry with.  I went into that whole-heartedly with good intentions.  What I found though was an incredibly immature, insecure, clingy type who was either "talking out his ass" as he would put it or just trying to tell me what he thought I'd want to hear.  And here's what I say unto you: 1) I have always been a free bird and you knew this. 2) I have not shattered your little heart or at least have not given you enough of a reason to behave like a highschool emo female so stop 3)Stop wearing your heart on your sleeve with all this "I just want someone to want me" crap. No one is falling for it.  4) Take a look at yourself and realize that you are the problem...not the girls.  5) Regarding that materialism thing, the definition of materialistic is "Materialistic describes a person who is markedly more concerned with material things (such as money and possessions) rather than spiritual, intellectual, or cultural values." Guess what buddy, buying stuff does not make women want you.  Well if it does, that'll still be a girl who doesn't truly want YOU...she wants your stuff.  And while you'll rationalize it in your head that you aren't doing all that to increase your chances at finding marriage at first sight, the truth is that the boat, MacBook, house, truck, bike, etc. do not change the fact that you're still an incredibly immature, insecure, whiny person and that you have some serious issues to handle on your own before you can take on handling faults in a partner.  6)Grow up and get your shit together..geez

Missing Her

This is one of my all-time favorite pictures.  I think it's because I captured one of the true essences of my mother in this picture.  She's hugging me like there is no tomorrow yet still talking her head off.  I'm so lucky she's not only in my life but she's my mom.  I'm one of the few that truly gets the best part of her...her heart, priority, wisdom.  This is a woman who knows the exact time to grab your hand at a moment when you're about to breakdown.  She's a woman who loves without boundaries and isn't guarded by the things people have done.  She expects nothing and gives everything...which ultimately leads to ruin in earthly ways but leads to an footprint placed into existence that I can only hope to achieve.  

An Era Ago

Looking in the mirror, I see a good realist who dwells on the memories of being a romantic.  I miss that feeling that I was holding out for someone to sweep me off my feet. Rihanna has it right wanting to feel like the "only girl in the world." Only the truth is that all it takes is for one good scar to remind you that romance isn't enough...love isn't enough.  I miss thinking that I didn't have a standard; that I could follow my heart and it would be enough to fulfill my life. No longer true.  I have a standard that now rejects men who I'm sure would love me to my hearts desire but that now also requires a level of determination, self-motivation, intelligence, and the adventure.  I miss being a romantic. I wish warm fuzzies were enough for me to go out of my way to do anything for any kind of relationship.  It's not anymore. 


In the last era of my life, I was in a relationship that I knew had a great chance that it would fail miserably if it went bad....but I was willing to risk it because if it worked, it would be something great.  Risks.  Despite being on good terms with the person whom swept me off my feet and took me to a level of commitment thinking that I'd never been to, there's still that "pain in my shirt" as Cee Lo would say it. There's the idea that romanticism doesn't work anymore.  An idea that it should be chemistry I look for in addition to the standard if I'm going to spend my precious time on someone.  There's also the issue of not knowing what's normal for healing.  I lost my love, my best friend, and my mission in life by losing this man.  He's still my 1st and last thought of the day.  Only now that I had to cut my losses and walk away, I've been able to gain a new mission in life which is to travel and at least get paid while I'm out in the world doing things on my own. It doesn't hurt as much being out here on the road alone as it did being grounded in one place feeling alone with him right next to me.  Heh, the way I see it...I don't belong anywhere in particular so why not see all the options out there.  

Lost Soul or Found?

Risks are what life is about.  I take personal pride in the independence I have as well as the courage to put myself out there to take some pretty big risks.  There's always a price though.  Taking the life I have come from and turning it into something that makes me happy, financially stable and worth being proud of wasn't easy.  Being on the road with nothing but time and space to contemplate who I am compared to who I was/want to be makes for some pretty lonely nights, some pretty big dreams...some pretty obvious regrets.  This travel thing is something I've always wanted to do but here I am bottling up my emotions and thoughts simply because I took the risk to go out here on my own not realizing what downsides there would be.  So here it goes...blogging for the first time....you'll be on the road with me from now until the end World Wide Web.