Permanency

The ever-free spirit in me is beginning to ache.  For quite some time now I've been ignoring the biological clock...roaming this world waiting to come across some soul mate who will sweep me off my feet and make me feel so grounded that the grass isn't greener in the next zip code.  I've ached for many things in my life: space, world knowledge, taste of the new, and even simplicity.  I've never really had an ache for companionship and then when I did, I got a dog :) 

Masking can only take one so far though. Why is it so hard to want things to just...fit together?? It seems like no matter what direction I take myself, some aspect feels forced.  Maybe it's the insatiable Saggitarius in me that makes those minor factors so obvious that they eat at me.  

Right now I'm faced with the exhaustion of moving, of being away from my family, of feeling so far away from everything that I'm considering stopping it all.  I'm tired, World.  I just want to live and have some sort of...normalcy. I want to feel boredom, redundancy, and make a home for myself. Who knows....maybe soul mate will show himself.  Maybe he already has and I don't know it yet.  Maybe I'm a fool but then again, maybe....it's just another adventure in slow-paced AR.  Oh, Camden, please don't let me down. 

Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Been faced with a bit of confrontation lately regarding plans.  What are mine? Marriage? Kids? It gets really hard to answer that question sometimes!! It's not a matter of simply saying "Yes or No" to wanting children.  The answer lies in love. Always in love. A recent fling told me that unconditional love matters more than anything in the world and that he lives his life by that.  He tries to give without getting. Maybe I'm too skeptical for all that. I don't know. I always look at my relationships with people sociologically speaking where relationships on any level only exist if each party is getting something. 


The whole idea of unconditional love is completely foreign to me.  How do you just love?How do you learn to do that? How can someone so easily forgive and forget in order to love someone unconditionally?? If everyday I love a homeless beggar in the streets enough to give him everything in my pocket and then he becomes ungrateful one day that the $$ isn't as much as the day before, how do I love them so much that it doesn't hinder my thoughts/actions with that situation from that point on?? 


Question: Are some of us more wired to love and others to be guarded?? Is it only experience-based?? 

Double-Edge Sword

Having one of those double-edge swords kind of nights. There's nothing more I dislike than having to own up to negative thoughts/feelings towards another person.  The reality is that I'm ready to date someone seriously again. Apparently it takes me longer than it does the ex. Heh...if I'm not mistaken, he's been in a serious relationship for quite some time.  I wonder why that is??? Anyway, one of my greatest flaws is that I know very quickly if someone is worth taking another step for but if I'm having fun, I don't always exactly....put that out on the table. 

So this someone I've been around the last few weeks is attractive, clever, cultured, and close to his family.  Those characteristics were listed in order of my increasing love of them.  However, I found out rather vaguely through prying that he has a very seriously complex and incriminating past.  Those poor decisions previously made out of youth, poverty, happenstance geographical location, and lack of positive guidance have set him up for a life of working very hard for very little.  It's also has a pattern of drug involvement; although, the impact it's making on his current situation is significantly less these days.  

The primary reasoning I utilize in deciding if someone is worth a next step (i.e. dating to continue dating) is answering the question "Am I willing to stand behind him to my family?" My family is in no way offensive or would intentionally put me in a situation where I would have to do that. The truth is though, that's my measurement for whether or not I think  I could stick up for them when they make mistakes, make decisions, or don't live up to some quality my family believes I deserve (out of love).  Truthfully, his past makes me not trust him to make good decisions for me, a potential relationship, or even himself for that matter. So the answer is no, no further stepage going on with this one.  

The dig=that moment when he comes out and asks, "What do you think of me? Are you getting feelings for me? What are we? Etc." Dang.  Hate that.  Well, now it's man-up time and I had to put it out there. My answer was, "well I like parts of you." Then we got real and it all came out.  The result was a silent exit made by said someone with silent treatment hereafter.  Dang.  What do you do though!?! Well, hmmm it was fun while it lasted :) Se la vi, friend.