The knock @ the door

Even now, months after that moment, I still feel my heart sink when our eyes met.  Standing @ the elevator is something that's so commonplace and mundane that you wouldn't exactly be looking for love (well my case, a huge What If).  I pressed the button, looked down @ the paperwork in tow and silently bitched about having to help the acute care that day.  Usual. 


A flash instant my peripheral vision lead me to lift my head to see who the figure was down that empty hallway and there you were.  Blue shirt. Khakis. Sly grin and eyes staring straight into my soul.  There was that movie-made feeling of an invisible string that seemed to be tieing me to you.  


It came out of nowhere. I had no idea who you were other than you worked with Radiology.  That magnetic chemistry we had definitely made an impression though.  So what do I do but begin investigation?? Found out your name, job..oh and about your girlfriend. End of investigation.  All that was left for me was to cherish any moments I had with you after that.  Any little touch, hug, smile....I silently clung to it for days.  


Whoever said, "Timing is everything." needs to be shot for jinxing us all.  Of course, right as I'm making my usual exit all gypsy-style, you find a way to contact me.  Time for me to leave came at time for your relationship to be over and you jumped @ getting my #.  I find out you didn't even stay down in Radiology but had a friend text to tell you when I came down. I just thought you were always down there!! If I had only known how long that was going on, I would have paid more attention to you...


Either way, I left and we quit talking.  I miss you though.  It's an odd sort of thing because I barely know you BUT i've been kicking myself since I left...if only i'd had more time.  Midland, TX called me this week.  And then you contacted me....

What if....

Cowboy Take Me Away

Been feeling lost again lately.  Spent an entire weekend with my family and was truly reminded of my original mission in life which was to blaze my own path.  I guess I'd forgotten what I came to do.  Why am I clinging to my past so wholeheartedly? 


Maybe sometimes it takes sweating the small stuff to make one feel ridiculous enough to see the bigger picture. I don't know. Maybe I'm a hopeless mess that's just flapping in the wind.  What I do know is that the not knowing of where I'll end up is half the fun and maybe I need to  just breathe.  


Newest personal goal: Go to an amusement park and ride EVERY roller coaster.  It's something I've never been able to do....I'm going to.  

Age Old Concept

Talking about in my face!! Not a single day goes by where I don't have to consider an age gap between myself and others.   No, ladies, I'm not talking about watching the teiny, weiny, yellow polka-dot bikini walking past me in public. Oh no...I'm talking about those subtly dropped hints at what others think about my age.  


I get it. I'm not in college anymore. This ain't my first rodeo even though I do kinda wish it was.  Every day at work is spent with elderly people being reminded of how young I am.  A 90 year old woman looks at me every single day like I'm an idiot for constantly reminding her to lock her wheelchair brakes (like some young punk) when really it's not my fault you're a fall risk and FORGETFUL!! I have to consider if "roller skates" were called "roller shoes" when they first came out because she was well into adulthood when that happened or if that is her expressive aphasia kicking in. I have to come home to a group of neighbors who are married with children and about 2 decades older than me OR to a group of college age interns who chuckle with the I-Blacked-Out-Last-Night-Maaaannnn conversation.  


Being completely candid on that last thought actually....I personally love it when someone in the group is like "Oh you have a Master's? How old are you?" Then when I answer a mere "26" I get a droopage of the mouth, eyes at the ground, "Oh." and then they simply move on like it was never mentioned.  Is it that bad, World? 


At the age of 26, should I feel on edge? Like if I don't get in gear towards some next more grown up step soon, I'll begin accumulating cats that I have to feed milk out of pie pans because they multiply too quickly for my brittle bones to gather dishes of increasing size.

Le Sigh

National Prayer Day

Did anyone tell you it's National Prayer Day?? This announcement via facebook posts @ work let to a pretty deep discussion regarding science vs. faith and the possible ways we each questioned parts of our own religion.  The discussion was among a liberal Catholic, liberal Baptist and a conservative Baptist.  Interestingly, we all agreed on one thing...God.  


Now I'm not one to force my views on others but hey, it's my blog. Don't read if you're sensitive today :) In light of the day, I'm going to publicize my devotional time.  Confession: I consider myself more spiritual than religious.  I don't believe in obligating myself to attend church services, tithing to specific churches, or necessarily memorizing the Bible.  My relationship with God is my own and I don't have to meet a group of people on Sunday to hold hands and sing. I can sing in the shower and give praise more openly...anyways...

Tonight's readings are from the story of God making Sarah (Abraham's wife) pregnant in old age and then led into Matthew 6: 1-24 in which Matthew teaches us the following (as I interpret): 

*Keep your good deeds to yourself. God doesn't reward publicity. 

*Pray in private and speak as you would to your ultimate Father...repetition of biblical phrases can leave out the meanings in the prayer and God already knows what you'll ask before you do

*Forgive 

*If you fast, do it privately

**Store your treasures in heaven; where ever your treasure lies, your heart lies also

*See the good in life because when you see only bad, your whole body becomes bad.Also, be willing to address your own faults....it's worse when you see yourself as having the light but you really are full of darkness

*You can't serve God and money...one will always come first.  

Guilty.  I struggle with all of those aspects in some way.  Thankfully, these truths have been sort of a huge sign in front of me all day.  They just keep coming up randomly.  Now, as literally the 3rd time I've been in thought about it, I realize someone upstairs is screaming some things I need to work on.  

To anyone out there who may read my thoughts tonight,

May you find peace and clarity in your religious beliefs. 

I sincerely hope that you have the insight to take note of the things

you need to do to be more prepared for whatever your afterlife brings.

Being a Christian, I hope that you find your way to God and 

that you never lose your path.  

Good Night, All.  Muah! 

Competition

Have you ever thought about how life is one giant competition?? And how it's ironic that those that succeed are either really attractive or really confident?? Tonight was spent subjected to a situation in which there were 6 males and 2 females including myself.  I was sitting with 6 attractive men all of which are incredibly successful and oh so thankful to have made some connections and learned some things but....on the same token, I was in this group sitting across from an international, highly attractive, almost bonafied industrial engineer who is not only absolutely beautiful but also carries herself incredibly sophisticated.  Here I am in my sports shirt and converse, hair pulled back like I was going jogging and self-conscious about the gut I have looking at this girl and almost wishing I was her.  ALMOST. I didn't.  


Hooray for personal growth here! I'm finally at a point where I'm going to simply enjoy my company.  I sat there and talked with every single person in that group playing the typical cat-and-mouse games.  1st statement to break ice, listen to what you say, ask some related question as if I'm really that interested in what you're talking about, listen attentively, contribute a thought and tangent.  Where did that get me?? 


New friends!! Ha Ha! I actually had the most interest and connection with the other girl :) Hello N-.  I will certainly go to a movie with you next weekend :) Dudes....you were cool but way to interested in discussing accidental altercations with your own balls.  LOL 

I could be....

So many people have so many opinions about how I live my life.  Who knows how many times I have gotten 2 cents for free about choices I've made? I could be: 

Weak. I could break down every time I feel lonely. Some self-destruct out of sadness 

of not having loved ones around constantly.  

Afraid to go into the unknown. Some live their life confined to a fear

of what facial expression "society" would make if they walk into a restaurant alone.

Cautious enough to keep my feet on the easy path.  When I see a fork in the road, shouldn't I flip for it?

I will not confine myself in my lifetime of dying.