You Can Bet That, Never Gotta Sweat That

 Dallas, you are the shiz! There's nothing more indulgent for me than to celebrate a best friend's personal achievements through shopping and bar-hopping! After this amazing weekend and inspiration of what I could do with myself should I not worry about other people's mess makes me want to reform my way of life. Personal goals to be achieved prior to Christmas: 
1. Pay off credit card debt (NO it's not a lot!!)
2. Train for 5K
3. Drink less :( (too many calories)
4. Do things for MYSELF before others. 
Yep...the last one is a doozy but get over it.  I'm on one. 


And Dallas, we shall meet again

Operation 5K.

Hi. My name is Tracie and I am the most nonathletic person you'll ever meet.  I once was on a middle school field trip waiting for the "special ed" kid to make it to the top of the rock wall cuz I figured if he/she could, I could. And I did.  I've always been attracted to those who found that sort of drive to be fit.  I don't aim for looking good anymore. That dream flew out the window long ago when my ass decided to make an appearance and get me free drinks.  No, I wanna train for a 5K.  It's a good starting point and the truth is, I NEED A GOAL!! So far, my goal for the last year or so is to work out more.  Well, done and unmotivated.  


My current roomie is a competitive person in marathons/triathlons.  She's got some pretty awesome gear.  She's got some pretty awesome advice too on how to train for such a goal.  I don't care if I'm last just as long as I finish.  And what better way to do this than to train for one that is at home in a few months.  Let me get good and ready and I will make it.  


You can do this, Trac.  Do it! 

Change

I've been faced with a few things lately that really question who I am and what amount of strength may be within.  In this week alone, I've seen confusion to the point of losing senility, the emotional challenge as result of change, mortality, and the effects of association on relationships.  What causes a person to begin to believe utterly false things only to then become so confused that the truth never comes out? What is it about adjusting to the new that makes us sad? How does one grow accustomed to seeing death and dying on a daily basis? It's hard, ya know...to see pain, suffering, and hope for sometimes the impossible on a day-to-day job.  Why do we feel we need to take bullshit from someone "because they are family?" 

I've come to some realization that answers will never come my way and that I am forever destined to be unsettled...to feel like a free bird constantly chasing the bluer skies.  Change...my escape and my enemy all at the same time.  

Mission: Move On

Lemme tell ya a lil somethin', I'm from a dinky little town in central Arkansas. I have been there from birth-24 years old. I had that movie star itch to see what it would be like to live in a big city...chasing love and dreams.  At that point, I moved to Chicago.  In 3-6 months, "love" had gone down in flames so I was left with no choice but to pick my butt up, dust it off, and take it somewhere else. This began my interest in the traveling position.  

When I got to my apartment in Texas, it was decorated in western wonderland decor (i.e. wild horses on pillows, quilts on beds, TX flag plates) which was like a freakin' twilight zone for me.  Ughhhh.  Cowboys? Now these folks are damn proud of their football and guns.  I find it charming actually. The community here is the nicest group of folks I have been around in my life. It makes me want to be a better person, a happier person, a positive person.  

I'd like to think there's no place like home though.  What a thing to say....I have no home.  I don't belong anywhere and for once in 3 years, I'm not saddened by that.  I'll find and make me one.  "Love" can go F**K himself. 

Brain dead

Leave it to me to inappropriately take emotions out of life situations. In my profound shower-time thinking, I realized the whole concept of healing is psychological crap.  Face it, World. You all pay your psychiatrists a ton of money to deal with your past so that you can move on and let it go. It's a huge waste of money. Not to bash psychiatry! I rely on them a lot in my own field to take care of matters that I am not educated in regarding neurological function of the elderly...BUT....truth is that any thought, action, reaction, and emotion is a brain function. It is only the brain firing off in reaction to a situation it perceives in the environment.  That's all.  So when you lose that love, get all kinds of sad, tell people "I'm not ready to date.," and focus on "moving on"....really all that's happening is your brain used to fire in a certain way to make you happy, then unhappy, then it's retraining itself to the new environment (single life).  Eventually, as with all humans, you forget things. The brain naturally forgets as it ages.  Your brain adapts to a new environment and stops using all its energy to fire off sadness.  Now that yo head is in neutral, it can start rethinking that shiny, new and exciting energy it gives off with a new change in environment (new sweetie). Freud knew what he was talking about when it comes to conditioning the brain. You can train yourself (i.e. yo head) to react differently to situations that originally were negatives such as break up scenes and fights w/loved ones. Think about it.  


Damn I love shower-time thinking :) 

Rhythm That's About Me

Today I am bound to no one.  There's no baggage, no brave face, no smiles behind the tears...only me.  My failures, flaws, good and bad sides have all been exposed.   There's no secrets...no shame. I am who I am.  Seether and Shinedown lyrics stare into my soul.  In times of vulnerability, I have no wall to hide behind.  I am me.  If you can't take it, leave it.  

Bridges Burned

I was raised to love everyone and to treat everyone as I would want to be treated.  Sometimes, that's a real struggle for me.  I've definitely hurt some people that I love dearly over dumb things.  There's also been quite a few moments where I instantly decided someone was not worth knowing thereby closing any window of opportunity of something great to occur.  This week has been a challenge because I felt an inevitable gravity to reach out to someone that I did hurt.  I handled a situation wrongly a year ago...pushed a few buttons that I knew were powerful ones (which to be honest I had never pushed in saving it for ammo.) I did those things to make a harsh, very real point to someone who couldn't be talked to or rationalized with; someone who can't have an introspective point of view to own up to a flaw let alone flaws plural. And the disappointing result was that the point was not made: this person made herself a victim. "Why do people ALWAYS do this to me! It's the same thing! I'm just too nice! They take advantage!" What a foolish thing to say. 


I'm not perfect. I know this.  I know my weaknesses and I'm a strong enough person to look back on them with regret and try today to amend relationships/start new ones w/a healthier potential. Victimizing yourself does nothing but show a decreased self-esteem as well as an immaturity in handling a life situation.  It's not my fault that someone's mama didn't teach them life skills to be able to handle such things.  At the same time, I'm thinking..."Well if this has happened more than once from different kinds of people, do ya really think that it takes a genius to figure you out OR that it has something to do with you to make folks consistently push that button?" 


Don't get me wrong..there were definitely good times. Funny thing is...I can think of 4-5 different episodes off the top of my head that was never spoken about but that this person did to make me feel insignificant, inferior, singled-out, or even the blunt of that person's bad day.  And while I'm on the phone being called names, lectured, and even demeaned...I never said anything harsh.  I just apologized for what I did or any hurt that followed and left it as it was.  I don't put up a front.  I am who I am...I don't go outside in makeup and short shorts acting like I'm confident and awesome then come home and cry because no one wants to be around me.  I don't end my day alone.  I feel sorry for that person.  It's sad and I am sorry that I'm not willing to be there.  

Music on my Heart

I can only hope that there is music in your life that reaches a depth of your soul that no human may find capable.  If you have not found songs to do that, my friend, you haven't listened enough.  There's this one song I keep playing over and over in my head tonight...Jack Johnson's "All At Once." Oh the wealth of memories and emotions nearly overwhelm me. 

This song takes me back to learning about the inner workings of a long-time, dear friend.  Seeing her playing her guitar (learning to play) on a wooden porch swing in the springtime made me feel so alive and so thankful to see her a beauty so unintentional that I can only stop to admire her for who she is. 


This song touches aspects of my life that no other one does.  The lyrics carry me away in the present and leave me in hope for the future.  The feeling of being overwhelmed to the point that you can't be talked out of it, of reaching through darkness for something familiar, of having promises in your heart that you make that may go a lifetime with being unsaid...


And the acoustic version...just guitar and voice...takes me to a place of peace.  If you don't have a song like that in your life, friend, you haven't listened enough.  


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1Qf912W_JM