Today is turning out to be one of those days where I can relish some sort of peace despite the fact that there are a million things to take care of. Life. I'm so thankful that I get to be outside feeling the cool breeze sweep my hair back while the birds chirp and the puppy runs around. For once, it's so quiet. I'm left to my own thoughts and for once in my life, there are none. I'm completely blank. :)
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Settling
Tonight, friends, I'm stuck on this idea of "settling" in the relationship sense. While sitting @ dinner with 5 relatively randomly grouped people, I realized I was present for the growth of a new relationship. The only other girl (age 22) was there after having only 1 date with a guy (at least into his 30's).
The thought struck me that those two really have no idea what they are getting into but that it's absolutely beautiful to see the honeymoon phase in others. I never would have put those two together if I could hand-pick couples from a crowd. What could they possibly have in common?? My guess, although critical, points to the fact that each is an upgrade for the other. He gets the younger, hotter woman and she gets the guy who got an education and can financially take care of her so she doesn't have to waitress any longer. My guess only....
The thought also came up that she could do better but is settling for him. (Notice I don't give a crap about him LOL) Settling though...what the hell does that mean?? Don't we all have to settle for someone??? If you think about it, not a single significant other is going to have all the perfectly balancing qualities you need in your life. You have to settle for coping with things, fighting for things or trying to work on certain aspects of that person. Besides that...everything is just a quality factor. A job, salary, value system, behavior, etc. is all just a contributing factor to which we rank for what we feel we DESERVE and then measure every potential love up to. Even love itself....sometimes we don't love someone as much as we feel we deserve to love the person we are going to be with for the rest of our life. So we let them go on the boundary that we don't want to "settle." How am I supposed feel about that?
The thought struck me that those two really have no idea what they are getting into but that it's absolutely beautiful to see the honeymoon phase in others. I never would have put those two together if I could hand-pick couples from a crowd. What could they possibly have in common?? My guess, although critical, points to the fact that each is an upgrade for the other. He gets the younger, hotter woman and she gets the guy who got an education and can financially take care of her so she doesn't have to waitress any longer. My guess only....
The thought also came up that she could do better but is settling for him. (Notice I don't give a crap about him LOL) Settling though...what the hell does that mean?? Don't we all have to settle for someone??? If you think about it, not a single significant other is going to have all the perfectly balancing qualities you need in your life. You have to settle for coping with things, fighting for things or trying to work on certain aspects of that person. Besides that...everything is just a quality factor. A job, salary, value system, behavior, etc. is all just a contributing factor to which we rank for what we feel we DESERVE and then measure every potential love up to. Even love itself....sometimes we don't love someone as much as we feel we deserve to love the person we are going to be with for the rest of our life. So we let them go on the boundary that we don't want to "settle." How am I supposed feel about that?
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Dang You, Celtics!!
Boston Celtics Vs. Miami Heat goes down right now. I think back to the last game I saw with these teams...Tuesday, April 10th. I was so tired. After a day of travel, all I wanted was to see you and to see the game in which our teams were battling for bragging rights. You won. Ugh....losing is hard for me to live with.
Right now I think back to that game with a smile. I look at the empty space you should be filling on my couch for this game and I look at the score wondering if you're watching it thinking of me. Probably not but your team is losing.
I stare at this screen wondering what I should disclose to the public. My day was full of emotional turbulence. I just wanted to be left alone. I finally made it through to day and found a small bit of peace and quiet only to have my heart lead back to you. It always does that! I come home and keep myself busy again only to think of you...nonstop. My heart begins to sadden and I send up a prayer. I never pray.
Right now I think back to that game with a smile. I look at the empty space you should be filling on my couch for this game and I look at the score wondering if you're watching it thinking of me. Probably not but your team is losing.
I stare at this screen wondering what I should disclose to the public. My day was full of emotional turbulence. I just wanted to be left alone. I finally made it through to day and found a small bit of peace and quiet only to have my heart lead back to you. It always does that! I come home and keep myself busy again only to think of you...nonstop. My heart begins to sadden and I send up a prayer. I never pray.
"Heavenly Father, I pray for W-. Keep him safe in his work tonight. Bring him happiness
and wisdom to make choices
that bring about your will, Father.
Please, Lord, help me love others despite any hurt they inflict upon me. Let these feelings of
sadness and embarrassment leave soon, Lord.
Help me forgive and make my heart open
should W- ever decide to love me back. In Jesus name I pray, Amen"
Oh, and uh....it's halftime....Celtics still losing :)
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Well, Camden, thanks
Boom! The sound of another hope blowing up in my face. Ya know that joke about "if you wanna hear God laugh, tell him your plans?" Well, that joke was made about me. Oh, don't get me wrong, still longing for the day that I feel like I can lay some roots somewhere with the love of my life. However, Mr. Who-I-Can't-Stop-Thinking-About reality checked me on a pretty low level.
Some people are meant to be phases of our lives like they are only a piece to our puzzle. They are only meant to fit in one way in one spot but the puzzle just keeps getting bigger and eventually, that piece is lost in all the other pieces. This piece, though, is a piece that doesn't altogether fit. For some reason, I'm completely caught up in the story of this one...piece of my life that just refuses to stay in one spot to fit.
As a Christian, I believe in God's plan for me and I catch myself getting lost in my own plans instead of leaning on his....maybe that's my problem. Maybe he's putting this piece in my puzzle as a test of faith. This person who teases me with his great job and sense of security happens to be falling into my life as effortlessly as he falls out. And EVERY SINGLE TIME I want him to stay so badly. I spend weeks wondering, wanting, trying, and then crying.
This time, the weeks have been spent with mixed signals. I'm so confused. Why would someone hold my hand, rub my feet, invite me into their space so comfortably (when that is WAY outside their box) and then simply not communicate with me any further? What did I do? I love him with all my heart and soul. Maybe that's the test....I failed miserably this time. All I know is....if I ever get another chance at this piece of my puzzle.....
Some people are meant to be phases of our lives like they are only a piece to our puzzle. They are only meant to fit in one way in one spot but the puzzle just keeps getting bigger and eventually, that piece is lost in all the other pieces. This piece, though, is a piece that doesn't altogether fit. For some reason, I'm completely caught up in the story of this one...piece of my life that just refuses to stay in one spot to fit.
As a Christian, I believe in God's plan for me and I catch myself getting lost in my own plans instead of leaning on his....maybe that's my problem. Maybe he's putting this piece in my puzzle as a test of faith. This person who teases me with his great job and sense of security happens to be falling into my life as effortlessly as he falls out. And EVERY SINGLE TIME I want him to stay so badly. I spend weeks wondering, wanting, trying, and then crying.
This time, the weeks have been spent with mixed signals. I'm so confused. Why would someone hold my hand, rub my feet, invite me into their space so comfortably (when that is WAY outside their box) and then simply not communicate with me any further? What did I do? I love him with all my heart and soul. Maybe that's the test....I failed miserably this time. All I know is....if I ever get another chance at this piece of my puzzle.....
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